Such a Happy Birthday

So it has been months, I have started writing plenty of times and have always had some excuse as to why I never finished a post. I literally have five drafts just sitting there waiting and have just a huge block in my mind when it comes to finishing them. The reason why seems to be that I wait to long, that I forget the emotion and the feelings I had at those moments and once it escapes then it’s gone, simply lost forever. I have a ton of emotion right now, I don’t really know how to deal with it all and so I am writing in hopes of drawing some conclusion or at the very least getting it all off my chest.

It all started in July, Peter Pan and I moved in together and everything was great, well at least for us. I now have a new pain in the ass  stress inducer in my life we will call the cunt of an ex-wife  Satan. She just pleasant and so much fun to be around, I enjoy her company and everything is wonderful, or at least I hope it will be one day.  The truth is I have never met a more miserable petty immature woman in my life. If I had taken her husband, slept with Peter Pan when they were still dating and ran away with him I would expect this, however I did nothing of the sort. Their relationship was long over, the paperwork signed and the case was closed by the time I met Peter Pan. So why the hell fire, I don’t really know. The way I see it there are two sets of issues here, the surface issues the things that happen that people see and comment on. The way our interactions go, the things she does directly to me, Peter Pan and my child. Then we have the internal struggle, the fight to stay out of my own head on the matter. I have never been with someone who had and entire life before me that was under my nose most of the time.  I guess that I should disclaim now that this post will be a bitch fest, a pile of word vomit and nowhere near as fun as my post have been in the past……..

Yesterday was my step daughters boyfriend’s daughter’s birthday party, I would have said “step daughter” but there is apparently some golden ticket that I forget to get when I went through the customs process of moving in.  It was miserable, I mean seriously, let’s cram 20 people into a space where no one wants anything to do with each other and all smile for the kids sake. Great plan, until Satan is yelling at Peter Pan in regard to my mother and son and different things that are this person and that person’s fault. I’m sorry but you are almost 40, is it really necessary to throw a piece of cake down in front of my five year old because you don’t like me? Is this how we want to show the children to act? You want to throw cake down in front of someone do it in front of me. Hell I don’t care if you want to spit in my cake, but don’t fuck with take it out on my little boy I would really hate to have to take you into the parking lot and beat you over the head  make a scene at the party. I bit my tongue and grit my teeth, I focused on the kids and spent time with the moms who had to endure the insanely tense party all because their kids go to the same preschool as the girl. ( To remain anonymous I will refer to the children as the girl, my step-daughter boyfriend’s little girl; His 8-year-old boy is boy 1; and my five-year old will be boy 2). There was a total melt down when the boys started punching the girl’s Olaf balloon, Satan turned to Peter Pan and said” you need to handle this, and Boy 1 is not the problem here”. I find this funny because everyone who knows us and knows the kids knows with the boys it is monkey see, monkey do. So if you want to complain about my son being the issue, let’s talk about the other day when the boys were playing and your son had mine pinned on the ground  in a headlock. Oh I’m sorry every issue in your children’s life is my fault, or my sons fault. I forgot that little detail….whoops my bad. Then there was the heckling in Spanish from the peanut gallery her family, so sweet of you to refer to me as a “gringa”, I really appreciate the compliment(inside joke, I am not racist by any means) but unfortunately I am cut from the same cloth as you tactless cunts all are. It’s really sad that someone would rather make their child’s party miserable for all those involve, rather than to just suck it up for a day. I mean if I can bite my tongue with you being the way you are and your family is why can’t you? I mean nobody is talking about you or ignoring you. My own mother tries to be nice to you. Hell I don’t know why but I even try to be nice to you, still after the issues at Boy 1’s birthday, after the numerous attacks on my relationship. Great news I will never try to talk to you again, EVER, I am done being nice. I am done holding onto hope that one day we can at least be civil, you will always be a cunt you.

So there is all that the dealings with her, the way things go and how she behaves and then there is the issue of my own head space. They had an entire life together, I get to deal with her for the next 14 years and 4.5 hours pacific standard time, she is mean, rude and a straight bully. I don’t feel like I get stood up for, I am supposed to be the bigger person and just grin and bear it, how is that fair? I can’t say anything, he won’t say anything. So here we sit, stale and at a total standstill. Why do my feelings go at the waist-side? And if you’re not going tot stand up for me at least allow me to take a stand for the people I care about and love, you included. Then there are the constant reminders of the 17 years he had with her that truly break my heart. Why does this mean evil person get 17 years with the man of my dreams? While I was being beaten and verbally abused, while I was in a marriage that ended in everyone blaming me for the ending, despite the fact that my ex husband had a baby less than six months after we split up. You, you evil bitch you got him, you treated him like shit, you broke his heart and I could hate you for that alone. The kids, our dogs (or my step dogs? I am not sure if I need a golden ticket for dog inheritance or not, I shall clarify and get back to you), the timeshare they owned together, the fucking hideous red couches that sit in the living room, the pictures in the garage that I would truly love to throw away and pretend like I don’t know what happened to them . It’s everywhere and I don’t know how to handle it, I try to ignore it but every time I find something I feel as though my heart stops beating for a moment and an elephant is sitting on my chest. I came second, she had him, she had the house, she was the mother of his children, they spent most of their adult life together. She got the romantic proposal at Christmas in the park, one of my favorite places to be….EVER and it’s ruined for me. She got the $40,000 dollar wedding at the Chaminade and I am here trying to squeeze every dollar out of our weeding plans. Cutting things that I would like to have just so we can have something nice at a low price, so we aren’t blowing money. In all honesty the $40,000 wedding is more than I would ever want or need but shouldn’t I have that option if I want it? I keep saying she got the fairytale and I got the after math and I think I am really learning more each day what that means and it sucks. I am just trying to blend my family and fighting to keep your relationship alive while doing that is hard enough on all of us without the bitch her. I can feel the line being drawn in our family, between all the kids, the stress on us, it breaks my heart to think about it. Yes, I know everyone has a past, and I had a relationship before Peter Pan as well but it’s never anywhere near him. I have no remnants, I come with no ties to my ex-husband, my sons father lives three states away and we don’t interact with him more than 20 minutes a month for pick up and drop off when he is in town. I don’t know how he feels about all this but he has never said anything, I really wish I didn’t care. Maybe this is the fact that I am in my twenties showing through or maybe it’s just my own little bit of crazy, I have no clue.

So where do I go from here? I feel like there is no winning. I do what he asks, and I feel like I am denying myself the chance to be stood up for if I don’t do it myself. I am “letting” her treat my son like garbage. I am “letting” her spit on everyone I love and care about, but my hands are tied. I am in no way willing to jeopardize what I have with Pete Pan. So I sit here, stuck between this rock and this hard place. I am only sure of a few things in all of this; one, I love Peter Pan and he is the love of my life, two, my family is my priority…all five of us and I cannot behave the way she does because of my kids the children and three, misery loves company, and I refuse to let my family and I be hers…….

14 years….3 hours….45 minutes and counting.

Men have it hard, Pun not intended!

So, I don’t think I have mentioned this in earlier posts but I am bi-sexual. I have an amazing man but sometimes a lady to play with would be fun. My Peter Pan is completely ok with this. So I began the hunt for a random woman who I could have a good time with.

How do you find random people to hook up with? Tinder of course! Although it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. First of all I am learning the lesbian population doesn’t really care for bi-sexual woman, not saying all or trying to say anything bad about them but the minute I say, “I’m not lez I am bi” they run for the hills! Then there is the annoying women that just want threesomes to make their boyfriends happy and are just irritating. I’m sorry I don’t want to be hooking up with someone and listening to them giggle “OMG!, I like can’t believe I am doing this”, the entire time. I also have zero interest in another penis. So once you weed all of that out and get down to it you’re lucky if they don’t cancel or stand you up. As of right now I have 0% success rate and I’m losing my patience. This has made me realize something, I feel very bad for men.

Picking up women is way harder than I could ever have imagined. I feel like I am trying to herd stray cats into a pen and it’s nearly impossible. If I am ever single again (hopefully not, but you never know) I vow to be nicer to the men that hit on me instead of blowing them all off. So I supposedly have a date on Thursday with a cute blonde…..we shall see and I will let you know how it went, that is if it happens.

Lilo and Stitch

 

ohana

 

 

So Peter Pan and I spent the entire weekend together, with our three little ones. We went to gym dropping the kids at kids club, took them swimming, visited his parents, and I even got to do some shopping. This morning Peter Pan’s little girl and I were curled up on the couch watching Lilo and Stitch.

Now my son and I had a rough time prior to Peter Pan and Lilo and Stitch used to really get to me. My husband who was not my son’s father but had raised him ( he met his father when he was two) walked away last summer. My little man was devastated and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. When he would watch Lilo and Stitch it would strike a nerve where I felt like we were gonna be broken forever. That it was gonna be him and I forever and although I knew we could do it, we were a team, it still left me feeling empty.

Today it was different, I looked around the house, my new home that I will be moving into here in a few weeks and thought wow, this is my life and this man is mine. I was overwhelmed with emotion and pure joy at the thought. It’s chaos when we are all together and the kids are nuts, but they are so happy. I had the instant realization that we are now a family. We are building our life together and I was no longer alone, no longer a single mom with no support system, I have him. I was instantly in tears. My family is great but not very reliable and this man has been there for me no matter what, he has put up with my crazy obsessing and planning, he has welcomed my son with open arms and he truly loves me. He is patient and firm when he needs to be, I don’t have to do it all on my own anymore. There was a night a few weeks ago where I was stressed out and upset. I text him that I felt alone and I don’t think he realized how much his response meant to me. He said,” You’re not alone, you will never be alone”, and I am just realizing now that this is the case.

I woke up this morning next to this amazing man, I could hear the kids in the living room playing and I thought yikes, what did I get myself into. But we stowed away, hid in the room for some cuddling, trying to snooze and a  little bit of morning fooling around. It was a great end to a wonderful weekend. I’ve got the man of my dreams, and three crazy kids, it may not be what I had pictured for my future but we are a family.

The BIG move takes over (just a short spurt of word vomit)

Well I am moving in, we are blending our little family and hopefully living happily ever after…..So all this love and happiness, what could be a problem? Well I am pretty sure Peter Pan is becoming fully annoyed with my “type A” personality and I completely understand why he would be.

So I am a planner, I like everything scheduled out and put into play. I have a timeline for the rest of our lives planned but I really feel I am causing an issue here. In all the planning and moving talk I am really losing my sexy talk. I have gone from sex obsessed to life planning extraordinaire!  I am so stressed out that I am just thinking about the move constantly. So is this how it happens? I do not want to be in another relationship where sex doesn’t matter. We are going to have three kids in the house and be seeing each other everyday, are we still going to want sex everyday? I have one little guy and he has a little girl as well as an 8-year-old boy. How much of this is going to change our sex life? How do we make sure the kids don’t find the toys? What if someone a walks in while I’m handcuffed with my ass in the air? How do I keep the sexy alive and balance all this out? To top it off after the last sub drop we haven’t really played.

Hmmmm…..Maybe I just need him to put me in line, I think part of the reason I prefer to bottom is that I do not need to be in control.

I feel like I am going from a two person family to octo-mom, I know a bit dramatic but seriously the days we have the kids together, all three of them, I am beat come the end of the night. And it’s not that I don’t want this, I just don’t know how to balance it all out. So I am stressing and completely killing the mood, way to go me! No to mention all the financial stuff I am freaking out about. How do I keep the sex great when all this real life stuff comes into play?

My mind is in a whirl wind, just in-case you didn’t notice……

 

Forever Space

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So for those of you who followed the old blog you know that Peter Pan and I are a little kinky. We have ventured into some forms of play that while are fun have some nasty side affects. I am a bottom, a proud beauty, his play toy, his dirty girl, and he is my top, my master (although I don’t usually address him as such, usually it is just sir). We have done research and we are not a couple that lives entirely in the lifestyle, we have “scenes” at set times and they are always for a set amount of time. We use hand cuffs, bed straps (although I don’t know if this is the technical term for them) , a paddle, a riding crop (that’s OK but not really my toy of choice, the idea seemed much more enjoyable than the actual execution), feathers, nipple clamps (mmmm love them!) and a few other things. We have done our research and have even seen a professional for advice on safe play. However all the safety in the world cannot prepare you for forever space and the unavoidable sub-drop.

So when your body is on that high of a high sometimes judgement is clouded and while you consent to things prior the feeling kinda takes over. You become completely submissive and anything is a go. The books and what not refer to this as “forever space” a space I never thought I would go while Peter Pan on the other hand was pretty sure I would end up eventually. He referred to me the other day as a bottomless pit, a bottom who has no limit once they are in their sub-space. When he said this I was amused, no way would I ever get to that point I thought. Unfortunately what happened last night scared the living shit out of me.

We had constructed a scene, we usually don’t go into much detail just a general outline he generally knows what I am ok with and the only thing I had really spoken against was the riding crop. Before I go any further I need to make one thing very clear. What we do is consensual, he doesn’t do anything I say is not OK and we both enjoy our kink. If I had said no stop he would have, if I had told him to ease up he would have. For us it’s not a 100% slave/Dom relationship. He is my boyfriend and we are very much in love we just like to play and why the hell not? I am having the greatest sex of my life. Toward the end of our set playtime Peter Pan was spanking me, switching between my ass and my pussy. He smacked my pussy hard to the point where my legs naturally closed and instructed me to open them if I wanted more. It had hurt, it was more pain then I was used to or enjoyed but I opened my legs again, exposing myself to him for more. He smacked me again and I fought to keep my legs open and again and again. I was in a strange place where I wanted to take whatever it was he was giving me. I wanted to be able to tolerate all of the pain for him. Why? Good question because for him it’s not about hurting me or inflicting pain on me, but he was dishing it out and I wasn’t gonna safe word out of the scene for any reason. Maybe it was fear of ending the scene, maybe it was fear of not having it again, maybe I truly didn’t care in that moment, or maybe I was just dumb but I much rather would have had it be painful and have him topping me than stop.

There was a little more play and as we started to have sex he started to pull me out of my sub space, gently removing my wrist cuffs, stroking my body softly as he pulled out of me only to turn me around so he cold enter me from behind. His body pressed against my back. And even still I wanted it hard, I kept asking for it harder I wanted him to take me as hard as he could even though the scene was done and this is all fine, right? I mean I am definitely into rough sex and thoroughly enjoy a good “pounding” for lack of a more graceful term. Then why did I cry the second we were done?

He came, we collapsed onto the bed him laying on my back, still inside me, and tears began to stream down my face. I grabbed his arms that were sprawled out on the bed and pulled them around me. We needed to clean up but the thought of him letting me go was terrifying. This is what they call a sub-drop. You’re high on endorphins, I read an article that compares this to feeling to being on morphine or being drunk. And anyone who has used any sort of drug knows that you crash. Your body is trying to recalibrate and you lose that high. You come crashing back to reality with a hard thud and it’s just as intense as the space you were in.

The issue I am now left with is how do we combat this feeling. What exactly do i need to not feel empty and alone after these scenes because for me going back to only vanilla sex is not an option. But it’s about 16 hours later and the ups and downs are still there. I can tell he’s worried and concerned, he has been checking in on me all day. But we both have things that are a priority today; I have work and he has his kids, so as much as I just want to be near him and touching him to cope it’s not an option. What’s a bottom to do? Is this time that I so enjoy too much for me to handle emotionally or is it really a matter of just working out the kinks (pun not intended) so I don’t have this feeling afterward?

There is no such thing as a fairytale

once upon a time

Oh the fairy tale, the thing our parents read to us as children that leave us day dreaming and fantasizing about how “One day our prince will come” and living “happily ever after”…..

When reality hits and some asshole breaks our heart we are then left with the thoughts of  “he just wasn’t the one”, sometimes we aren’t completely shattered and manage to keep dreaming of the day “we will find THE one”. Then there are the jaded, the too broken, the un-trusting,  those of us who stop believing in love all together and I was one of them.

I lived a life for a long time where I truly believed love could conquer all, happiness could fix the world and I was going to help make that happen. If everyone just gave a little and helped each other or stopped being selfish all would be right in the world. This was until I went through two devastating relationships. The first my son’s father who my friend’s and I refer to as Cowboy Casanova; A West Texas born, controlling, woman beating asshole who was not only physically but emotionally as well as verbally abusive. Second was my ex-husband an Italian who was way  too close to his family, seemed to be the most loyal man I had ever known until he got his ex pregnant months after our wedding. So yes I was bitter but, who wouldn’t be?  And then this last week happened and I realized good men do exist, prince charming is real, and someone who was once just great in bed fun can truly end up being your night in shinning Armour.

Sidebar: I have a few other stories that I am drafting but wanted to get this one out as soon as I could

It all started  Thursday before last, I had stayed the night with Peter Pan, we had gone out on the town with Tinkerbell Wednesday night. Thursday morning we went for a run and then headed to get breakfast burritos, yum!  I was about halfway through my burrito and was suddenly doubled over in pain, my stomach was killing me and I thought I was gonna die. I asked Peter Pan if we could head home and he all but jumped to get me in the car. Once back at the house I was only getting worse, I was curled over the arm of the couch and didn’t know what to do. He insisted we went up to the local urgent care center. I was reluctant at first but I could see the concern in his eyes and decided it may not be a bad idea. They ran every test possible, blood work, CT, ultrasound and found nothing. They sent me home after pumping me full of morphine to the point that I couldn’t see straight. I would rotate from writhing in pain to drug induced rambling to vomiting my guts out. At one point even splattering vomit out of a trash can and onto Peter Pan’s leg! ( Horrific and disgusting)

While all of this was happening I hated him seeing me that way but I didn’t want him to leave my side. I was so scared and feeling miserable and he was truly a God Send! Rubbing my back, holding my hair, whatever I needed he was right there. And strangely I had never felt more loved in my entire life, he didn’t care that he had spent the entire day in a hospital ( and it wasn’t the last time) he didn’t care that my lunch was on his legs, or that I was being a total baby. All he cared about was my being alright. In the last week there was the one urgent care trip, three trips to the ER, one trip occurring right after Peter Pan had his own family field trip to an ER for Mother’s day. After all that he was still there each and every day. The nights I couldn’t sleep due to being in pain and he couldn’t be there he would sit on the phone with me for hours. Telling me stories to distract me, trying to get me to sleep. This man truly loves me, he dedicated himself to me this week in any way he could.

So to those of you who have given up on love, who think that men like this are only real in fairy tales, don’t give up. Peter Pan told me he loved me about three weeks before this happened, I believed he did and felt loved but don’t feel I knew the true meaning of being totally in love and devoted to someone was until that day.

You may not find love at a Royal Ball, there may not be some grand gesture where you are hunted down on a subway, chances of a flash mob in Grand Central Station are slim, but I saw and felt what it truly meant to have someone love you that day in an urgent care office. I have always loved with all of me and gave the people I loved all that I could but I now know what it feels like to have that in return. It wasn’t the most romantic place, and I am sure he didn’t think my vomit was cute, but he loves me and was totally devoted to me.

So is it happily ever after who knows, but even if it ends in a year, a week, or a few months I am truly lucky to have had someone love me this way. I hope Peter Pan and I stay in Never land forever, but only time will tell, right now I am just trying to enjoy the now. The little moments we have together, our stupid inside jokes and curling up next to him the nights we are together. I’m not a princess and this isn’t a fairy tale but I think for me it may be the closest thing to one.

Face down, Covered in mud

Alright so I guess new blog same me still deserves some sort of background as to what shenanigans   occurred and how we got to this point. So for those of you who didn’t follow http://letstalktinder.wordpress.com here is kinda the back drop for all of this. And for those of you who did this will fill in the blanks as to how I ended up in this hell hole  place I thought I never wanted to be in again. But here we are I fell flat on my face and for those of you who know me, you know this was not a graceful cutsie head over heels fall. I am face down, covered in mud and probably hurt myself in the process.

I met Peter Pan in January of 2014, we went on one date and I dropped my panties so fast I might as well have not had any on. I met him through a hook-up dating app called Tinder. We just kinda clicked, it was a ridiculous chemistry that I never even thought existed and it scared the living hell out of me. We had great sex so much fun together and I enjoyed his penis company immensely. At a certain point I guess I kinda knew I would end up here but tried to hide from it. I had come out of a horrible marriage and was scared to ever be vulnerable again. So that being said and me being stupid for some reason so open with him we ended up here, I have a ball and chain boyfriend.

We were all over the place from the start trying new things, telling him almost my entire life story, and just truly communicating exactly how I felt when I felt it. For the first time in my life this was OK. There were no rules we did what we wanted and how we wanted to do it. I didn’t have to play hard to get or be afraid to text him first each day. We were ourselves from day one. No stupid dating rules, no being coy, and it opened my world to something amazing. I don’t think any woman in their right mind could get involved with this amazing of a man and not fall flat on their damn face. And I smile every time I get to say back off bitches he’s mine.

I am drafting out our latest adventures and will post them soon but for those of you who haven’t followed below are the links to all of my previously posted adventures with Peter Pan.

letstalktinder.wordpress.com/2014/01/30/off-to-never-never-land/

letstalktinder.wordpress.com/2014/01/31/peter-pan-flies-to-china/

letstalktinder.wordpress.com/2014/02/03/a-warm-san-franciscan-weekend-part-one/

letstalktinder.wordpress.com/2014/02/09/a-warm-san-franciscan-weekend-part-two/

letstalktinder.wordpress.com/2014/02/11/a-warm-san-franciscan-weekend-part-3/

letstalktinder.wordpress.com/2014/03/19/my-face-on-a-milk-carton/